Fultano’s Restaurant in Scappoose, OR, USA:

I had heard good things about this place right after they opened. But I’m going to tell you, right now, about the one bad thing, which isn’t all that bad. It’s not their fault that they’re located on Havlic Dr. right off the light on the new road they put in across from Fred Meyer’s, just past the Senior Center and the McDonald’s, where they have that new movie theater complex with seven awesome digital screens, including this one 3-D one, and the car wash and oil change place, but it’s kinda confusing. You want to turn left into their parking lot right after turning at the light, but there’s no driveway there.

So you keep going around past where the road curves till you reach a small driveway that they share with Les Schwab’s. Did I mention that Les Schwab’s has a special on snow tires this week? That’s right, only $99.95 for two brand new snow tires. Yes, I know it’s August right now, but you can never plan too soon. I now fully expect Schwab’s to rotate my tires, inspect my fluids, and check my brakes, just for mentioning this sale. Actually, they would do that anyway, and they’ll do that for you too. For free. It would cost me over a hundred bucks to have a real medical doctor inspect my fluids, at this point.

I’m sorry, where was I? Oh yeah, Fultano’s Restaurant in Scappoose. So anyway, once you park in the lot, you only have to walk about 500 yards to get to the front door. I had to [forcefully] take my mom’s walker away from her just to make it. Don’t worry, she’ll be ok after just a few short weeks of therapy.

But, finally, we’re now inside. It’s nice and cool. Not like outside, where you could fry a buzzard’s ass on a manhole cover.

So, the bartender was really nice. And pretty. In fact: if I hadn’t had my fifth ex-wife with me at the time, I would have, probably, jumped her and humped her, right there on the spot.

Okay, I’m a dreamer. So sue me.

I’m sorry, where was I, again? Uncle Hog has this tendency to ‘drift’ sometimes. Oh yeah, Fultano’s Restaurant in Scappoose, OR, USA.

Fifth Ex-Wifey™ had the pizza, which was all-you-can-eat of several varieties for $9.95, I think, and it was awesome! I mean, it frikkn’ rawked, dood!!! She ate enough to feed a small village in Africa, with enough left over to End Hunger in America™, as we know it.

I had the Chicken Alfredo, for $10.95, and I can honestly say that that chicken gave its life for a good cause. I slopped that sucker down like it was The Last Supper, which it was, considering that I’m writing this review from Death Row, or I will be… if Fifth Ex-Wifey™ ever reads it. I would also like to call for a moment’s silence for some guy named “Alfredo”.

Fultano’s Restaurant in Scappoose, OR, USA. Go there. Eat excellent food. Have a beer [or whatever] at the full bar. Tell them I sent ya!

Hog Whitman