Posts from the ‘Unnecessary Recipes’ Category

Uncle Hog’s Unnecessary Recipes #12: Fultano’s Restaurant in Scappoose, OR, USA

Fultano’s Restaurant in Scappoose, OR, USA:

I had heard good things about this place right after they opened. But I’m going to tell you, right now, about the one bad thing, which isn’t all that bad. It’s not their fault that they’re located on Havlic Dr. right off the light on the new road they put in across from Fred Meyer’s, just past the Senior Center and the McDonald’s, where they have that new movie theater complex with seven awesome digital screens, including this one 3-D one, and the car wash and oil change place, but it’s kinda confusing. You want to turn left into their parking lot right after turning at the light, but there’s no driveway there.

So you keep going around past where the road curves till you reach a small driveway that they share with Les Schwab’s. Did I mention that Les Schwab’s has a special on snow tires this week? That’s right, only $99.95 for two brand new snow tires. Yes, I know it’s August right now, but you can never plan too soon. I now fully expect Schwab’s to rotate my tires, inspect my fluids, and check my brakes, just for mentioning this sale. Actually, they would do that anyway, and they’ll do that for you too. For free. It would cost me over a hundred bucks to have a real medical doctor inspect my fluids, at this point.

I’m sorry, where was I? Oh yeah, Fultano’s Restaurant in Scappoose. So anyway, once you park in the lot, you only have to walk about 500 yards to get to the front door. I had to [forcefully] take my mom’s walker away from her just to make it. Don’t worry, she’ll be ok after just a few short weeks of therapy.

But, finally, we’re now inside. It’s nice and cool. Not like outside, where you could fry a buzzard’s ass on a manhole cover.

So, the bartender was really nice. And pretty. In fact: if I hadn’t had my fifth ex-wife with me at the time, I would have, probably, jumped her and humped her, right there on the spot.

Okay, I’m a dreamer. So sue me.

I’m sorry, where was I, again? Uncle Hog has this tendency to ‘drift’ sometimes. Oh yeah, Fultano’s Restaurant in Scappoose, OR, USA.

Fifth Ex-Wifey™ had the pizza, which was all-you-can-eat of several varieties for $9.95, I think, and it was awesome! I mean, it frikkn’ rawked, dood!!! She ate enough to feed a small village in Africa, with enough left over to End Hunger in America™, as we know it.

I had the Chicken Alfredo, for $10.95, and I can honestly say that that chicken gave its life for a good cause. I slopped that sucker down like it was The Last Supper, which it was, considering that I’m writing this review from Death Row, or I will be… if Fifth Ex-Wifey™ ever reads it. I would also like to call for a moment’s silence for some guy named “Alfredo”.

Fultano’s Restaurant in Scappoose, OR, USA. Go there. Eat excellent food. Have a beer [or whatever] at the full bar. Tell them I sent ya!

Hog Whitman


Golden Browned Retriever… Yum!

Just in case you missed the news, here’s the article from ABC, talking  ’bout how Obama likes eatin’ him some dog, dawg. Normally, I wouldn’t post anything from them, but Jake Tapper wrote this one, and since he’s ABC’s only honest journalist, up it goes!

All I know is something must taste mighty good at the White House…

Which reminds me, has anyone seen that Taco Bell chihuahua lately? Heven’t seen him for about, oh, 3½ years now. Whut up wit dat?

Anybody up for some Chow Chow Mein? How’s about some Bernaise Mountain Dog? Pugs in a Blanket? Beagles and cream cheese?

Yanno, if this keeps up,  Obama could be hounded from office… with his tail between his legs! Ba-dump… tish!


Uncle Hog’s Unnecessary Recipes #004: Lesbian Rock Star Rumaki

Actually, this one should be a ‘necessary’ recipe. This sh*t is to die for/from. If you want this to last for the entire Daytona 500, you might want to make more than this. I don’t know what your friends are like, but mine are a bunch of pigs. Hey, what else did you expect?

Here I’ve laid out the ingredients:

1). Bacon, thick sliced (about 1½ lbs.)

2). Water chestnuts, sliced (1 can)

3). Chicken livers (1 lb… deal with it)

4). Bottle of sauce (I’ve used Yoshida teriaki here, but Kikkoman soy sauce, or just about anything will work… use whatever you like or have on hand)

5). Toothpicks

6). Cocktail, cigarette and your new $1.00 whole album download of Hog Whitman, Not Sold in Stores to listen to while you’re putting this all together (optional, but highly recommended)

The only hard part about this recipe is the assembly. It takes a while, but it’s worth it. Take your time. After a few of them you should get the hang of it: Take a half slice of bacon, put a slice of water chestnut on there and a little piece of chicken liver on top of that. Now roll it up,  stick a toothpick in it and put it in the baking dish. That’s it. You can do this.

Here’s what the dish looks like when it’s full. As you can see, I’ve whupped-out the old turkey baster that I normally use to impregnate lesbian rock stars* with (don’t worry, I rinsed it out first). If you don’t have a turkey baster, I guess you could always use a spoon, but don’t try to impregnate any lesbian rock stars with a spoon because you gotta get ’em juuuuust right with it, or the kid could wind-up looking even worse than that pile of chopped livers up there. That is a job better left to the professionals. Just borrow a baster (and don’t forget to rinse it out before you return it).

Anyway, where was I? Uncle Hog sometimes goes off an a tangen… oh yeah, Uncle Hog remembers now…

You’ve already heated your oven to about 375 degrees. Pour the sauce all over the stuff in the dish. Don’t be stingy, just schlop it all over everything in there till it’s about halfway drowning the bacon/chestnut/liver thingys. You’re going to drain-off the sauce after cooking and save it for something else down the road anyway, aren’t you? I do.

Now pop it in the oven for about 20 minutes, take it out and baste that bad boy with the aforementioned turkey baster (or spoon). Put it back in the oven for about 20 more minutes. Take it out. You’re done.

TA DA!!!

*a word about the chicken livers: The chicken has to be one of the most disgusting animals that God ever invented, but it’s also one of the tastiest. Even the livers are good if you cook them just right. This recipe is one of the ways that you cook them just right. If it makes you feel any better, say a prayer first.

*Q: What do you call 100 lesbians with assault rifles?

A: Militia Etheridge!

Uncle Hog’s Unnessary Recipes #003 Or, “Someone Left An Upside-down Cake Out In the Rain”

More like: Some radio DJ just went to take a dump during that insufferably long song (now there’s a mental image we can all cherish!).

The song MacArthur Park was an inexplicable hit back in the late 1960’s (possibly because DJ’s from everywhere always played it whenever they had to go take a dump… so it got played a lot). The English actor, Richard Harris (RIP), was the first to record it in his ill-fated attempt to become a pop singer. Thank God for small favors that that was about as far as he got with that one. He couldn’t sing worth a sh*t.

Anyway, now that Uncle Hog has, pretty much, emptied his freezer, he’s going after the cupboards. Great. This is what he came up with…

As you can see, Uncle Hog’s kitchen is getting a little messy. Uncle Hog is moving to a new place and things are somewhat in turmoil around here right now. Uncle Hog needs to fix that before he can proceed.

How’s this look? Better? Of course it does. We still need to pay attention to our ‘kitchen hygiene’, now don’t we? Yes, we do. 

As you can see, Uncle Hog has narrowed down the ‘playing-field’ a bit. The frosting was the first to go. That stuff sucks. Besides, Uncle Hog found a couple of cans of cherries in the cupboards and has decided to make Cherry Upside-down Cake instead. And yes, Uncle Hog knows that there’s no such thing as Cherry Upside-down Cake. Yet. Heh.

This particular box of cake mix calls for… well, never mind what it calls for. Just reduce the water some and flop-in a big ‘ole tablespoon or so of mayonaisse to make up for it. You heard me right: Mayonaisse.  While you’re at it, schlop a glop of ice cream in there too. You’ll thank me later.

Cherry Topping: You need to do this part first because it goes into the bottom of the baking dish. Take the cube of butter up there and toss it into your stove-top-safe baking dish and melt it. Once you’ve done that, add the brown sugar (1 packed cup or so).

Oh Sh*t!: Uncle Hog just accidentally put the brown sugar into the bowl of cake mix already! No worries, we’ll just pretend we didn’t see that. No getting it out of there now. We just have to roll with it.

Once the butter is melted, throw another cup or so of brown sugar in there. Uncle Hog likes ‘Brown Sugar’. There was this one time in New Orleans when Uncle Hog uh… uhm… well, that’s a whole ‘nother story.

Okay, real quick: After Uncle got back to Portland, and went to ‘the clinic’ a couple of  several times, everything was back to abnormal fine.

 Now where were we? Uncle Hog has been known to go off on a tangent sometimes…

Oh yeah, drain the juice from the cherries (but save the juice!) and put the cherries in the baking dish with the melted butter/brown sugar. Now slowly pour your cake batter on top of it.

I guess you don’t have to pour it slowly, but you’ll just fu*k-up your newly cleaned kitchen if you don’t. Pour it slowly in there. You don’t have to pre-grease the dish, or anything, because there’s already a buttload of butter in there waiting for it.

Now put the whole mess into the oven that you’ve already pre-heated to 350 degrees. Bake it for about an hour and take it out… uh-oh! Looks like Uncle Hog forgot to allow for expansion of the cake due to the extra-large eggs he used. No worries, at least it didn’t set the house on fire. This time.

Now Pay Attention! This is the Hard Part!: Don’t let the cake cool in the dish for more than about 5-minutes or you’ll never get that co*ksucker out of there. As you can see, Uncle Hog has a conveniently-shaped square plate that’s been waiting its entire life,  just for an opportunity like this.

Invert the dish onto the top of the plate, hold the plate and the handles of the dish firmly together (don’t forget to use your little oven mitts because that son-of-a-bi*ch is still HOT!), and turn it over.

You’ve already taken the cherry juice that you saved and reduced it in a saucepan by gently boiling it. I suppose you could brutally boil-the-holy-sh*t-out-of-it, like Uncle Hog just accidentally did, but you’ll only fu*k-up your newly-cleaned kitchen if you do. Drizzle a little of the (now) cherry syrup over the cake. It should look like this…                                                                                                                                                                                                                     and about a minute later it should like that ———>… YUM! 

Cleaning out the freezer #002… or putting the pork back in the pig

I really hate moving. The only reason I’ve been in this old dump for all this time is (hey wait… “This Old Dump”™? — sounds like a good name for a TV show!),  because I hate moving. But never mind that, I’m moving into the Brand New Dump!™

Let’s get on with it. I suppose I could just take the frozen stuff with me, but nah, let’s do something else with it instead.

If you were ever a child (unlike me), then you’ve probably had this dish already, or something like it. The question is: How did Mom make that? Well, your Uncle Hog is about to show you how. So sit down, shut-up and pay attention!

This is what we are starting with: As you can see, ‘somebody’ likes to shop at Fred Meyers/Krogers (Sorta Wifey­™ maybe?). Doesn’t matter. These are the cards you’ve been dealt. Deal with them.

I forgot to take a pic of the previously-frozen pork chops, but trust me on this one: There were pork chops, and they were frozen (and maybe some blade steak or something… I forget… and it doesn’t matter anyway).  I took them out of the freezer and thawed them first. This will require some previous planning on your part. No worries, Uncle Hog is here to help. This is how it’s done: TAKE THE FRIKKIN’ CHOPS OUT OF THE FRIKKIN’ FREEZER, PUT THEM ON THE COUNTER AND LET THEM THAW!

Sorry… Uncle Hog didn’t mean to scream. Perhaps Uncle Hog forgot to take his medication today. No worries (gulp!), everything is better now. Allow about 20-30 minutes for the medication to kick-in.

 Now where were we? Oh yeah, the pork chops. Sorry. Uncle Hog goes off on a tangent sometimes. No worries, Uncle Hog is taking his medication now (gulp!). Allow about 20-30 minutes for the medication to kick-in, and a couple of minutes on each side until the little chops get golden brown.  Does Uncle Hog have to explain (again), what Golden Brown means? Good. Just briefly fry the little co*ksuckers on both sides.

Pro Bachelor Tip #1: You’re going to want to put some oil into the hot pan first, and this is where the tip comes in: Put your spices in there too (Don’t Use Salt! The Evil Military-Industrial Complex,  Greedy-A$$  Corporations, and Republicans have already put more than enough salt into the soup that you will be using later). Swish it around a little bit. Not too much. We don’t want you to grow-up to be a little fag now, do we? Good. ~~~~~ 

Now pop the chops into the pan and almost IMMEDIATELY turn them back over. Then turn them back over again. This will ensure that the chops are coated in oil and spices, and also keep them from sticking to the pan. Wait a minute… this is out of sequence. Uncle Hog already said this already. Nevermind, just do what Uncle Hog says, not what he does. Or maybe it’s the other way around.  Got that? Good. Let’s move on…

Put the soup and stuff into the pan. As with any good dish, this will probably now look like it’s already been ate once. No worries, just take your medication like Uncle Hog does (gulp), turn the burner down to simmer and allow about 20-30 minutes for the medication to kick-in. Now turn the chops over.

Pro Bachelor Tip #2: Don’t worry about trying to stir this sh*t up. It will be impossible. Just take a fork and turn the chops over a couple of times. This, along with the heat and all the bubbling and stuff, will suffice. Let it simmer for about another 20-30 minutes.

And what are we going to do in the next 20-30 minutes? Well, first off, we’re going to take our medication (gulp!). Don’t wait for it to kick-in as you will be needing all of your faculties to complete the next step:

The Mashed Potatoes: I suppose you could use mashed potato flakes, but those are for sissys. We’re making a REAL meal here. This is what we start with…

I know these look kinda gnarly, but just break the eyes off and peel the ba*tards. Now cut them into cubes, or pieces, or whatever. Who gives a sh*t?  Anyway, try to make them all about the same size. Boil them for about 20 minutes until they don’t feel hard anymore when you stick them with a fork.

 Pro Bachelor Tip #3: Don’t try this with your di*k. It’s not the same. ~~~~~ Uncle Hog doesn’t know why he almost said that. It could be the medication? Nah, let’s move on…

Now drain the water from the potatoes and mash them up with a fork. Well, I suppose you could mash them up with a fork, but Uncle Hog has a better idea…

How Uncle Hog came into the possession of a potato ricer is a whole ‘nother story. Okay, real quick: it was a Christmas gift to Sorta Wifey™ a few years ago. Somehow, she forgot to take it with her when she ran-off with Raoul the Pool Boy™. I still don’t know why she left me. I should probably take my medication now (gulp!).

Fine. It’s my potato ricer now, Beotch! She also forgot to take the dryer lint with her, so that’s mine too. Hey, it’s a start.

Pro Bachelor Tip #4: After you’ve put some butter, and some salt and pepper on the newly  ‘riced’ potatoes, fork a blob of mayonnaise in there. Not too much, just a good blob. No sh*t. Your Uncle Hog wouldn’t sh*t you. Forget about sour cream — that’s for fags. Stir the whole mess up with a fork. This should take all of 20-30 seconds, or until the medication kicks-in, and there will be no lumps.

Now where we? Oh yeah, I think it’s time for Uncle Hog to take his medication again (gulp!). That’s better. Now where we? Oh yeah, I think it’s time for Uncle Hog to take his medication again (gulp!). That’s better.

As you can see from the photo at the top, I took the liberty of heating-up a can of green beans to go with this delicious dish. ‘French-Cut’ green beans, no less. I sure hope that doesn’t make me look like a fag. Don’t worry about it. If you ever find a ‘date’ again, serve it this. It will tell its mother and all its friends what a great cook you are! I should probably take my medication (again), (gulp!). I should probably take my medication (again), (gulp!).



a$$hole casserole

So I’m moving into my new ‘crib’ in February —after 15 years here — and I need to get rid of some stuff. I think I’ll start with the refrigerator. Okay, nevermind the fridge part, cause it looks (and smells) like a horror movie. I’ll get around to that later when I’m ready to go to the local dump.

Let’s see what we’ve got in the freezer part. I hate to throw good food away, and most of this stuff is still good. Not everything, mind you. This, for instance, is probably not still good.

This is left over from our wedding reception (sniff) 10 years ago where we roasted half-a-hog and froze the rest. It’s been in the freezer that whole time. I don’t care what the package says, it’s no longer ‘fresh’.

There’s no way I’m touching that. I’ve kept it around all this time for sentimental reasons, but now that Wifey has run off with Raoul the Pool Boy™ (just kidding… she never ‘runs’ anywhere), it’s going to the dump too, along with what’s left of my broken heart (sniff… did I already say “sniff” ?). But let’s just forget about that and get on with what’s left worth saving.

Here I’ve added a can of cream of mushroom and a can of nacho cheese soup to a casserole dish. Cream of chicken would work too, I guess — it’s just what I had handy. Don’t obsess about it, just throw some frikkin’ soup in there. I’ve also added some chopped red and green bell peppers, about ½ lb. of frozen peas, and some bacon ends that I fried up.

Bacon ends tend to come in odd sizes, so while you’ve got them in the pan, cut the big ones down to bite size unless you really want to practice the Heimlich Maneuver on somebody later on.

I remember this one time when the whole family was at a get-together at the Old Spaghetti Factory here in Portland, Oregon. Good ole’ Mom was about half-drunk and talking a-mile-a-minute (LOUDLY!), while drinking wine and chomping on Italian bread, all at the same time. Suddenly, she gets a big chunk of the bread stuck in her throat and starts gasping for breath while clutching at her neck. EVERYBODY PANIC!

So after about five seconds of everybody panicking, my brother, Jesse*, reaches over and whacks her good, right between the shoulder blades. BAM! That chunk of bread came flying out of her face like a cruise missle headed for Iran, but it landed in the middle of the table somewhere instead… and then Mom goes on with her yakkin’ like nothing had ever happened.

Where was I? Oh yeah, the casserole. Now I’ve fried the hashbrowns to perfection and browned about 1lb. of hamburger. You can see the hashbrowns sitting on the dutch oven lid in the background in one contiguous patty, sorta. That’s the way you want them. Nice and crisp.

And when you brown the hamburger, brown it fer cryin’ outloud! You don’t want it to be grey. Put the burner on about 6, or whatever, until you hear the burger, literally, popping in the pan. Don’t forget to stir it unless you just need to check the battery in your smoke alarm. You want it to be crisp. With all that soupy crap in there already, you want to balance the texture with crispness. Did I just say “balance the texture with crispness”? Geez, I’m a fag. Anyway, you want it to look like this .

Throw that in the dish along with the onions you just saute’ed. Now stir it all up. If you’ve done everything right so far, it should look like it’s already been ate once — kinda like this.

 Now smooth that out and take your hashbrown ‘pancake’ and cut it/break it/arrange it to fit over the top of the casserole and shred some cheese all over it. Kinda like this.  

Put a lid on it and pop that bad boy into your oven (that you’ve already heated to 350 degrees) for about 45 minutes. If you have any stoner friends, now would be a good time to call them and invite them over to dinner.

But wait! “Why is it called A$$hole Casserole”, you might be saying? I thought you’d never ask…

Making the A$$holes:

The a$$holes are really nothing but onion rings, which you will be making while that sucker up there is baking. First you’ll need some beer batter. This is incredibly easy. Put one cup of flour in a bowl, crack an egg into it, and mix it up. It will be chunky. Once you’ve done that, start slowly pouring some beer into it while mixing with a fork or whisk until it becomes the consistency of pancake batter, more or less. That’s it. You may drink the rest of the beer.

Toss some flour into a big Ziplock bag along with the onion circles that you just realized you had prepared earlier. Shake it up. Take them out and toss  gently put them into the batter and then into the hot frying pan w/lots of oil that you had waiting for them. Cook until golden brown.

Seriously, cook until golden brown. I know everybody says that, but what does it really mean? It means “cook until golden brown”. Don’t forget to turn them over and cook the other side until what? That’s right; Golden Brown.

Now take the casserole out of the oven and distribute the a$$holes over the top. I would have used more of them but I was out of onion. Use more than I did. You will probably have some little Golden Brown drips of batter left in the frying pan. I call these “hemorrhoids”.  

Sprinkle the hemorrhoids around the a$$holes and shred a little more cheese over the whole thing. Not too much — you want the a$$holes and the hemorrhiods to stand out. Presentation is everything. 

You will now turn the oven to broil and pop that dish back in there. You will not go smoke a cigarette (or anything else), answer the phone, text/tweet/twitter, watch TV, or anything. You will stay right there and carefully watch the action. You don’t want Mr. Big Burly Fireman to come crashing through your door with an axe. Or maybe you do. Whatever. I’m not here to judge.

When the cheese has melted and the top is just starting to turn brown, take it out! NOW! It should look something like this.

Right about this time your stoner friends (if you have any) should be arriving for dinner. Feed them this. They will be forever grateful (if they remember) and you will have cleared-out some of the stuff in your freezer. It’s win-win!

*Incidentally, the song, That’s My Brother, was written about my brother Jesse. It took me two years to write that song, basically because that’s how long it took me to come-up with a rhyme for a$$hole. You can listen to a sample of it here at iTunes or go here and buy the whole CD download for only $1 dollar .  Such a deal I wouldn’t make for my own choking, blue-in-the-face mother!

my balls are bleu!

Cordon Bleu, that is. I wish I could meet the inventor of this tasty treat so I could shake his hand. On second thought, maybe I could just tip my  hat, or something. No telling where his hand might have been. But nevermind that, this is a Triumph in the world of junk food, and it has the best name, evar!

I wish I could tell you where to get these, but other than at the Jackpot Gas ‘N Go on Hwy 30 in Scappoose, OR, I have no idea. I just got lucky, I guess. I cannot overemphasize how good these little suckers are. I’ll try to coax the supplier’s name out of the kid at the store on my next trip there, but I suspect you’d have to buy a whole case of them, and who has the freezer space for that?

*Update* Aha! I found a recipe! I’d normally just post a link to it, but I’ m kinda leary of that site, so I cleaned and copied the whole thing and am posting it here. If anybody has the time and effort needed to make these, please let us know in the comments how it turned out.

*And Pssst… don’t forget to get your very own Hog Whitman Not Sold In Stores CD download for only $1 (that’s right, one thin dollar!) so you’ll have something to listen to while making/eating these bad boys.*

Chicken Cordon Bleu Balls (ha!)

I made these today. I’m not going to lie…they are quite a bit of work but they are great. A big hit.
1 1/2 lb. boneless, skinless chicken breasts
3/4 Cup shredded Swiss cheese
1/2 Cup chopped up deli ham
4 eggs(divided) for breading and binding
flour for breading and binding
Panko Bread Crumbs
Oil for frying
Poach chicken with salt, pepper and a little onion powder. Drain and chop into 1/4″ chop. Stir in ham and cheese. Add one beaten egg and just enough flour to be able to form the mixture into balls. I made 50cent piece size and that worked well. Then you set up you breading trays.
1 Cup all purpose flour in one tray
3 beaten eggs in one tray
3 Cups Panko bread crumbs in one tray
Heat your oil until hot but not smoking.
Roll a ball of meat mixture-coat in flour-then into the egg(coat well)-then into the Panko bread crumbs.
Drop gently into the oil. Fry 4-5 at a time.
Roll them around with a spoon and fry until golden. Drain on a paper towel and as you finish them keep them on a baking sheet in a 225 degree oven. I served them with 1 part spicy mustard to 1 part sour cream sauce. But I noticed that with the sauce you really couldn’t taste the Cordon Bleu flavor.