Posts from the ‘Movies’ Category

Movie Review: Farewell

I’v been kinda busy lately, but I managed to watch a movie or two that didn’t put me to sleep, and I just had to write something about this one: Farewell

Pay no attention to the name. It kinda sounds like a weepy love story, but it has nothing to do with that, though there is some boy/girl stuff in there. No, Farewell is possibly the best spy movie evar!  And it’s a true story.

I can’t really go into the details much without giving away some spoilers, so I’ll just say it’s a real pot-boiler. There’s almost no action to speak of, but the suspense and pucker factor more than makes up for that. Suffice it to say that it’s a story about the early days of the downfall of the Soviet Union, and how it came about. It’s fascinating from start to finish.

I don’t watch a lot of sub-titled movies, and there’s no actors that I recognized except for a couple of brief appearances by Willem Dafoe. Quelle surprise! Pardon my French, if that’s what that was.

If  you have Netflix, you can watch it right now on streaming, or whatever they call it.

Go watch it. Watch it twice.


Walken Reportedly Signs-on to Pulp Fiction Re-Make

Christopher Walken Says “Yes!” to Pulp Fiction II

APF – June 19, 2012

From correspondent Editor in Chief,  Hog Whitman

In one of the most eagerly awaited sequels of all time, Christopher Walken has reportedly signed for the lead in Pulp II, according to inside sources who couldn’t be named because they were not authorized to speak to the press.

Sources close to the actor said that he is anxious to expand on his previous role as the guy who had a watch stuck up his ass in Viet Nam, citing Walken’s concerns that a crucial part of his famous scene was edited, and that therefore it didn’t show his true ‘range’ as a thesbian.

Other veterans of the iconic film, such as Bruce Willis, John Travolta, Samuel L. Jackson and Ving Rhames are reportedly in negotiations to reprise their own famous roles, with the noted exception of  Uma Thurman, who shot her wad on the ridiculous Kill Bill  films, and couldn’t get arrested in Hollywood unless it was for a  Barney the Dinosaur episode.

Shooting is scheduled to begin on July 1st at an undisclosed location on the NE corner of 12th & Van Nuys in downtown Pacoima, CA, 91331 starting at approximately 3:00AM, and then, maybe, a few hours later, somebody might even start filming a movie there, according to sources who couldn’t be named because they were, well, not authorized to speak to the press. (ed. note: Pacoima’s ‘claim to fame’ seems to be that they once went 46 days without a drive-by shooting)

Writer/Director Quentin Tarantino says he is, “ready to get going”, according to sources at the Betty Ford Clinic, but they weren’t authorized to speak to the press either.

*UPDATE* According to sources, who are not authorized to speak to the press, you can download the entire Hog Whitman CD Not Sold In Stores at CDBaby for only $1 dollar, or pay even more at iTunes, Rhapsody, Amazon, and a host of others who are not authorized to speak to the press.


My random reviews of everything #006: the stranger (1946)

This is Film Noir at its finest. Great cast, great director (Orson Welles, who also stars as The Bad Guy), but what I really wanted to mention is this lady: Loretta Young.  

If God ever made a babe-ier babe than Loretta Young, He must have kept her for Himself, and she wasn’t even all that young when she made this movie. I remember seeing her TV show in the late 1950’s, and even tho I hadn’t reached puberty yet, I recall having some ‘feelings’, ‘down there’ while watching it, if you know what I mean. She also delivered an outstanding performance in this film, but I don’t care. She was just great to look at.

She’d already had a ‘secret’ baby with Clark Gable by the time this one was made, stuck the little bastard unfortunate in an Orphanage and then ‘adopted’ it back a few years later. Everybody in Hollywood knew about it (she developed a mysterious ‘illness’ in 1936 and went to Europe to have the kid), but the resulting daughter didn’t even know about it until she was 23-years-old.

Watch this movie. The end scenes where The Bad Guy ‘gets it’ are worth the price of admission alone. Some of the best ever. Alfred Hitchcock would have been jealous (and probably was). You can see it on Netflix Instant Watch right now. There’s even a free trial. And I’m not being paid to say this. Yet.

RIP: Loretta Young 1913 – 2000. Best Actress Oscar: The Farmer’s Daughter, several Emmys, etc., etc. An incredible beauty, gifted performer and a genuine class act.

Interesting tidbit: Country Music great, Loretta Lynn was named after her.

My Random Reviews of Everything #002 – The Bible

I was down at the Senior Center thrift store a while back and they have a ton of old VHS tapes for a buck*, so I got a couple. One of them was The Bible from 1966. Directed by John Houston, cast of thousands, epic Old Testament stuff, etc. I’d only seen it once, about 40 years ago, and it looked like a good way to kill a few hours.

I thought it held up well, and the special effects were top-notch, especially for 1966. I give it 4½ stars.

One part cracked me up — although I don’t think it was really meant  to be funny — it’s the part where Abraham and his family, servants, etc. are camped all-up in the desert when these three strangers rolled-up on they crib. Turns out it was God and His posse of a couple of Angels that He was hangin’ with at the time.

God told Abraham that He was going to destroy Sodom and Gomorrah because they was so wicked… (kinda like San Francisco/Oakland today). And Abraham asked, but what about the righteous there? And God said, if you can find 50 righteous there, I’ll spare the cities. And Abraham came back with, how about 45? And God said, Ok, 45 then. Feeling himself on a roll, Abraham continued to, literally, Jew God down (sorry, but that’s what he did) all the way to 20 . He tried for 10, but God didn’t answer, other than to shrug his shoulders and throw His hands up in a gesture that was later translated to mean, Oy!

God then headed out into the desert with His Homies in the direction of Sodom and Gomorrah, and we all know what happened after that. Now He did send the Angels to go fetch Lot and his fambly, ’cause they was still righteous, but the Angels were so fine that They almost got kidnapped by the degenerates living in the meth lab next door to Lot.

So Lot offered the tweakers his two fine young virgin daughters to let the Homies go, and this distracted them long enough for the Homies to whup out They .40s and bust some serious caps in they scabby asses, ’cause that was just how the Homies rolled back then.

Some cracka’ even busted some rhymes about it…

Hand Of The Almighty ♫  by John R. Butler (NSFW!)

Ya’ll been warned!

* (And, curiously enough, you can also buy the CD download of Hog Whitman’s Not Sold In Stores for only a buck right here!)

**(somewhat loosely translated for the better understanding of /by the ‘yutes’ of today)**

My Random Reviews of Everything #001 – The Guard

This is a new category that condenses several others together so as not to make me any more confuseder than I already am. Let’s start it off with a movie I just watched…

The Guard

Just rented this from Redbox and (as an aside), even though I’m not getting paid to say this (yet), I highly recommend Redbox’ online reservation doohickey. Once you’ve registered, it’s a click-click thing to reserve whatever they have going, and then you find where the nearest machine that has it is at. Or maybe I have that backwards. You find where it is, and then you reserve it. Whatever. It’s also twenty cents cheaper that way.

Anyway, it saves a lot of time, not to mention the standing at the kiosk in the cold, trying to find a movie you might want to rent, while the line behind you grows longer and more irritable. I know. I’ve been in that line. The one where the overindulgent grandma in front of you has a couple of  her precious little grandbrats with her who can’t decide whether to watch Bob the Gay-Assed Penguin or Die Hamster Die!  #6 — The Return of the  Redrum Rodent! And grandma’s more than happy to let the little bastards  snowflakes endlessly argue about it, completely oblivious to the fact that there are other people in the world who might want to rent a frikkin’ movie… grrrrr!

I’m sorry, where was I? Oh yeah, The Guard (trailer), starring Brendon Gleeson and Don Cheadle. Black humor at its best. It’s funny as hell. Rent it.

*And for the same price as a one-time movie rental you can own the whole Hog Whitman Not Sold In Stores CD download for only $1 buck!*

Review: The Winds of War

This is a TV miniseries from 1983 that I watched a little of back then, but never the whole thing. Seven episodes of 2½ hours each might be one reason, but I couldn’t sleep the other night so I tried it out on Netflix Streaming. It’s beautifully filmed (a lot of it in Yugoslavia), Robert Mitchum is, well, Robert Mitchum, and the story and screenplay were written by the great Herman Wouk (Caine Mutiny). Not a bad combo to start out with, but it seemed really slow and hard to get into at first. I was ready to quit after the first few hours till I suddenly realized what was wrong with the movie: Ali McGraw.

Ali McGraw started out in  Love Story, a #1 Bestselling novel and hit movie after that. How she got that part I’ll never know, but I suspect it rhymes with bl*wjob. Her acting skills are a joke, except jokes are supposed to be funny. Her body is a like a stick figure. She’s not beautiful, or even pretty, unless you’re into boys… she’d make a decent boy, I’ll give her that. Her ‘cute’ upturned nose makes her nostrils seem to stare at you when you look at her head-on, but even worse: they actually follow you around the room like the eyes on a flea market Jesus picture.  Fortunately for the world, she only did a couple of clunkers after Love Story before she faded away. She essentially ruined  Winds of War, but I discovered a way to fix it.

How to watch: Everytime Ali McGraw’s face shows up in a scene, hit the fast forward button till it goes away. That’s it!  You won’t be missing anything. She’s in about half the scenes, and they’re all verrrry loooooooonnng, She never rises above ‘annoying’, and I suspect many of the scenes were written-in just to accomodate her contract. Nothing important ever goes on in any of them and,  if you’re anything like me, you’ll be praying for the Gestapo to arrest her and shoot her before she ruins any more of the movie.

Another funny thing, everybody but everybody in the movie keeps telling her how beautiful she is, even Robert Mitchum (now that’s real acting!). Mitchums daughter (lisa Eilbacher), for one, and his mistress (Victoria Tennant) are both true beauties but nobody mentions a word about them. Why? Once again, I suspect it rhymes with…

So there you have it: Follow my instructions for watching and you might enjoy what’s left of this epic effort (and knock hours off the viewing time as well). Consider it your first foray into movie editing!

Space Nazis? What the hell… why not?

Interesting concept: get a bunch of internet users to finance your movie! I doubt if I’ll be donating, but I’ll be happy to watch it if it ever comes out. This reminds me of the Moller Aircar — they’ve been taking “investments” for about 30 years now. Still no flyable prototype.