Posts from the ‘Miscellaneous Ramblings’ Category

Kim Jong Un – Dead? *Update*

Kim Jong Un – Dead

Twitter, Weibo Spread Rumors of North Korean Leader Kim Jong-un’s Assassination

Published: February 10, 2012 @ 9:56 am
By Lucas Shaw
Did social media just prematurely kill off the leader of North Korea?

Rumors that Kim Jong-un, the country’s supreme leader, has been assassinated just months after he took power originated on Chinese microblogging service Weibo and have now spread all over Twitter.

Others are reporting that Jong-un, believed to be 28 years old, may be on the run rather than dead, but both reports claim that some kind of coup is taking place.

One person on Weibo wrote (loose translation): “north korea’s biggest leader kim jung un, this morning in beijing time 2:45 am, had his residence broken into and was assassinated by unidentified people, who were shot dead by his bodyguards in korea’s embassy in beijing, vehicles are rapidly increasing in number, and have surpassed 30 of them, this sort of battle formation hasn’t been seen in over two years. please verify this.”

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It was breezy in Beijing that night… the kind of breeze that bites at you like a semi-sedated Shar Pei. Not really painful, but it just gets on your nerves.

I knew something was up when “vehicles are rapidly increasing in number, and have surpassed 30 of them, this sort of battle formation hasn’t been seen in over two years”, came crackling over my Twitter feed. The Reds still hadn’t figured out how to block my signal, yet.

I’d gotten into a little trouble back in L.A.  — something about skipping on a bill for rehab — so I decided to cool my jets over here for a while. Besides, everybody knows that rehab is for quitters.

It’s not easy finding heavily processed food over here in CommieLand™, so I was gonna get a big dish of beef chow mein at Lee Ho Fooks instead. Unfortunately for me, he was fresh out, so he pointed me across the alley to Hung Far Lows for some more traditional fare. I had a bad feeling about this…

Hung was a strange bird, even for Beijing. The son of a Chinese stripper and a black American P.O.W. from the Korean war, he didn’t talk much about himself. I asked him once how he got the name Hung Far Low, but he wouldn’t say. He offered to show me, but I took a pass.

All I wanted was a couple of fish heads and a bowl of rice… and maybe some hot sauce.

As it turned out, I didn’t have to wait for long…

*Update* So is the little co*ksucker dead yet, or what? I have no idea. I’m still not privvy to all the inner-workings of the ChiComs. I’ve got a couple of back-room broads working on it, and I’ve even tossed-in a Tibetan twink for good measure. I’ll let ya know as soon as I know. I suspect they’ve taken him out old-school Soviet style, i.e. In about 4-6 weeks it will be announced that he died of a ‘cold’. It’ll probably go something like this: “Kim Jong ill someting”. He dead now.

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Alert the Media!

Hello, I am not Hog Whitman. I am Dr. Chad Tardwell, again, from Serenity by the Slough™ You might remember me from a previous post.

Apparently, ‘somebody’ forgot to thoroughly check Mr. Whitman’s duffle bag when he checked into Serenity by the Slough™ last Friday night.

It is, quite frankly, amazing what a guy can do with a cordless drill, a trained hamster, a bowl of chili and a one-legged circus midget, but he somehow managed to do it. He has gone, what we like to call, ‘temporarily missing’.

Rest assured, the person(s) responsible for this oversight will be ‘dealt with’ in an appropriate manner. We take our security very seriously here at Serenity by the Slough™. For instance: Lindsay Lohan would have never escaped if she hadn’t blown the gate guard first. That guy is now flipping burgers for a ‘living’, if you can call it that.

And Demi Moore is, well, Demi Moore. At least she’s still here, I think. For $1,600 bucks a day on a thirty-day contract, she’d better well be fu*king here. Dr. Tardwell will be, personally, checking-up on her status, very shortly.

Sorry, where was I? Dr. Tardwell sometimes goes off on a tangen… Son of a Bi*ch!!! Now he’s got ME doing it too! Nice try, Hog Whitman,  but you’ll have to do better than that if you really want to ‘move some product’.

Dr. Tardwell is actually starting to look forward to his ‘vacation days’  in our sister facility at Syracuse Serenity by the Slough™. If you should spot Hog Whitman while Dr. Chad is away, please feel free to contact my personal assistant, Mobuku Tofuku, and we’ll send the wagon.

P.S. Mobuku, next time: try the de-caf, okay?

 

Insecure, Totally Disclosed Location

Hello. I am not Hog Whitman. My name is Chad. Dr. Chad Tardwell, and I’ll be hanging around here while Mr. Whitman is staying at our newly remodeled HTML Rehab Facility™ here at Serenity By The Slough™. If you know someone who could use our help,  and they have good insurance, please tell them about us, won’t you?

Now, without violating doctor/client privacy, all I can say is that Mr. Whitman will be staying with us until he completes a rigorous series of HTML Rehabilitation Therapies™. How long that takes is entirely up to him now, isn’t it? We have provided him with a comfortable environment to live in and, as an added bonus for reaching Level 1.1, a generous supply of livestock.

We’ve also provided him with some ‘cooking’ facilities so he can make his little ‘recipes’ during his off-time, but none of the knives are sharp, and the Oven is an Easy-Bake™ by Kenner© so he shouldn’t be able to hurt himself very badly. We do want to get him back to you in one piece, and with as few permanent emotional and physical scars as possible.

We’re very proud of our amenities here at Serenity By The Slough™, but neither will we mollycoddle our clients. If Mr. Whitman hasn’t shown significant progress in a reasonable amount of time, our sister facility at Syracuse Serenity By The Slough™ has the dedicated staff, (with tools!) and the necessary experience to ‘prod him on’, if you will, in order to achieve satisfactory results.

If you know someone who could use our ‘advanced’ help at Syracuse Serenity By The Slough™, and they have good insurance, give us a call and we’ll send The Wagon™.

Well, that’s about all for today. I’ll be dropping in from time to time to keep you updated on Mr. Whitman’s progress. He also wanted me to say “Hi” to you all, and to remind you that you can help him to pay his insurance premiums by buying some of his crap at CD Baby. Whatever.

Barstool economics

If nothing else, it has a snappy name! I remember seeing this several times before, but this explains it  pretty clearly. Now crack open a beer!

they’ll get my salt when…

… they pry it from my cold dead fingers. And for once, I’m serious. This is what happens when you elect a bunch of people who only want ‘what’s best’ for you. They become insane, because if they think they’re going to take away my salt, they’re f**king crazy!

One Toke Over the Line, Sweet Jesus

My wife, the Master Criminal, got a call from her old friend “June” last night, and when I say “old” I mean about 85-years-old. Her health has been deteriorating to the point where June’s son and daughter-in-law have taken over her affairs, sold her house and possessions and interned her in a group home. Not an ‘assisted living facility’ but more like an adult foster home. I guess they didn’t want to shell-out for a nicer place. Whatever. None of my business.

But here’s what really chaps my ass. June has been a smoker all her life and her daughter-in-law, who is a nurse of some kind, has decided that June can no longer smoke. Just like that. “It might give her cancer” is what she told Wifey. Still, June craves the evil weed and Wifey has been sneaking her cigarettes whenever she goes to visit her. The Evil DIL has become wise to this and has searched for, and found and confiscated the cigarettes from the poor old gal — taking away her one last pleasure and comfort in life. She even had the nerve to call Wifey and tell her to stop sneaking cigs to June.

So when June called last night, practically begging Wifey to come visit and bring some cigs, Wifey’s brain started spinning (I could actually hear it spinning), and she concocted her Master Criminal Plan™ to beat any future shakedowns  and confiscations by the Evil DIL.

This is the result. Naturally, I was tasked with the actual making of the contraband container, but I didn’t mind. For one thing, I agreed that something needed to be done, and for another, I didn’t want the wife cutting herself. So now I’m her henchman. Her cohort. Her partner in crime.

I was a little queasy about cutting up a Bible, even though I’m not the religious type, but, as Wifey pointed out, it’s not really a Bible but more of an interpretation/excerpts into modern lexicon instead of the practically unreadable King James III version. I just hope Jesus doesn’t get pissed-off.

We’ll see how long this works. If it gets busted, we’ll just have to come up with something better. It could be fun!

RIP Dom DeLouise

Wow, I didn’t even know he was sick. Still, 75 is a pretty good run, especially when you’ve done as much as he did. Not to mention eating as much as he did. Did anybody not love Dom DeLouise?

Happy Trails, my friend. We’ll miss you.