Posts from the ‘Misc. Funny Stuff’ Category

Happy 4th of July!

Due to the Communist/ Capitalist/ anarchist (with a small “a”) /money-grubbing Christian-vegan (with a small “v”), Dope-smoking Hollywood Slut-whores™ and 1% Rat Bastards at wordpress.com, I can no longer post videos here unless I pay them $70. Well, guess what? I don’t have $70! 

So here’s a link instead. I hope you will click on it. It should bring out the American in you, if you’ve got any left. It might also make you laugh till your face falls off.

Happy 4th,

Hog Whitman

P.S. Did I leave anybody out?

P.P.S. You can always contribute to The Hog Whitman Memorial Booze for Floozies Fund at PayPal, and help wipe-out (so to speak) this plague of Hollywood Dope-smoking Slut-Whores™ once and for all! Or just git yerself a purty nifty CD download for only $1 dollar, all at the same time. (i’ll make this all light-up in an other minute,  hour,  day or so… whatever  HW)

P.P.P.S  And if anybody feels like financing my new, cheesy B-movie; Dope-Smoking Hollywood Slut-Whores From Hell!™, feel free to leave a comment and I’ll get back to ya (without publishing your email addy).  I have the script almost written. Hell, it writes itself!

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Walken Reportedly Signs-on to Pulp Fiction Re-Make

Christopher Walken Says “Yes!” to Pulp Fiction II

APF – June 19, 2012

From correspondent Editor in Chief,  Hog Whitman

In one of the most eagerly awaited sequels of all time, Christopher Walken has reportedly signed for the lead in Pulp II, according to inside sources who couldn’t be named because they were not authorized to speak to the press.

Sources close to the actor said that he is anxious to expand on his previous role as the guy who had a watch stuck up his ass in Viet Nam, citing Walken’s concerns that a crucial part of his famous scene was edited, and that therefore it didn’t show his true ‘range’ as a thesbian.

Other veterans of the iconic film, such as Bruce Willis, John Travolta, Samuel L. Jackson and Ving Rhames are reportedly in negotiations to reprise their own famous roles, with the noted exception of  Uma Thurman, who shot her wad on the ridiculous Kill Bill  films, and couldn’t get arrested in Hollywood unless it was for a  Barney the Dinosaur episode.

Shooting is scheduled to begin on July 1st at an undisclosed location on the NE corner of 12th & Van Nuys in downtown Pacoima, CA, 91331 starting at approximately 3:00AM, and then, maybe, a few hours later, somebody might even start filming a movie there, according to sources who couldn’t be named because they were, well, not authorized to speak to the press. (ed. note: Pacoima’s ‘claim to fame’ seems to be that they once went 46 days without a drive-by shooting)

Writer/Director Quentin Tarantino says he is, “ready to get going”, according to sources at the Betty Ford Clinic, but they weren’t authorized to speak to the press either.

*UPDATE* According to sources, who are not authorized to speak to the press, you can download the entire Hog Whitman CD Not Sold In Stores at CDBaby for only $1 dollar, or pay even more at iTunes, Rhapsody, Amazon, and a host of others who are not authorized to speak to the press.

P.S. SAY “WHUT?” ONE MORE TIME, MOTHERF**KER!!!

The Swiss Army Tampon?

Hey, You can get everything else on one, so why not a tampon? Okay,  just kidding, but this article from The Art of Manliness has a lot of very practical uses for tampons in an emergency. I mean, besides the original one. When TSHTF happens (and it will someday), a simple tampon could save your life in a survival situation.

My personal favorite is blowdart fletching, but all of the others are good too

Be sure and read the whole article. It could save your life!

I set my cat’s ass on fire!

(actual pic of my actual cat, Junior, but the flames are kinda fake ’cause there was no time to take pics}

I set my cat’s ass on fire just the other night. I didn’t mean to, but I was kicked-back on the couch, and the cat was right above me, sleeping on the back of it and I suddenly had a FLEA! on my upper arm. I HATE FLEAS!!! I haven’t seen one for months — ever since moving from the old dump into the new old dump™ — so I suspect there were maybe some eggs from the old dump hiding in the vacuum cleaner bag.

So I carefully reached for my bic lighter (the best way to kill them, BTW, if they are on you), but before I could reach it with the flame it had jumped off, presumably onto the cat, so I just followed it with the bic still going and touched it to the cat’s ass. Just for a split second. It doesn’t even hurt when you do that to yourself, and it kills the flea dead, right now.

It’s amazing how fast a cat’s ass will catch on fire. Immediately there was a patch the size of a quarter with flames about 1 – 1½ inches high. I probably yelled something like “HOLY SH*T”! ’cause the cat lifted up his head, looked back over his shoulder, and had this look that said, “Oh look, my ass is on fire… yawn…”, then plopped his head back down and went back to sleep. It’s good that he did because if he’d panicked and run off there could have been some real damage. As it was, I just squelched it with my hand and the whole episode could’t have lasted more than two seconds, tops. It’s a shame there was no time to take pictures, because it was truly a sight to see, but there just wasn’t time, dammit!

P.S. In case anybody’s wondering, the answer is: Yes, there may have been a teeency, weeency bit of alcohol involved, but it’s not like I was driving, or anything. I was just setting my cat’s ass on fire!
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P.P.S. And the cat is just fine. I can’t even find the spot where it happened 3 days ago. He went right back to sleep and all was well (whew!).

Just When I Thought I’d Seen Everything,,,

flying cat

Some guys’ cat got run-over by a car, so he had it stuffed and turned it into a  remote-controlled helicopter. I mean, why not? Sounds reasonable to me. Here’s the article.

Now I  want one! I want a remote-controlled Kitty-Kopter™. Is that too much to ask? I shall pray now. It will probably go something like this: Dear Jesus, I know you’re busy… what with all the wars and the poverty, and the starvation and stuff. And all the diseases, and the cancer, and the bugs, and a couple of whiny cocksuckers who are upset because they can’t get legally married, and shit like that, but could I please, please have a Kitty-Kopter™? Thank you, Man. Amen.

P.S. I already have a grey tabby cat who looks just like this one, and she’s starting to get on my nerves.

End Racial Profiling Now!

It’s a terribly unfair practice, even if they’re guilty as hell. It needs to end now!

The Worst Headline I Have Ever Read In All Of History

Sorry about this:

Flesh-Eating Bacteria Consumed Man’s Penis

I told you it was bad. If you insist on reading all about it, here’s the article.

Strangely enough, on the left side of that page is this article, so maybe all is not lost, after all.

Argentina Passes Transgender Rights Law

See? It’s win-win! Yay!