Posts from the ‘Guy Stuff’ Category

Happy 4th of July!

Due to the Communist/ Capitalist/ anarchist (with a small “a”) /money-grubbing Christian-vegan (with a small “v”), Dope-smoking Hollywood Slut-whores™ and 1% Rat Bastards at wordpress.com, I can no longer post videos here unless I pay them $70. Well, guess what? I don’t have $70! 

So here’s a link instead. I hope you will click on it. It should bring out the American in you, if you’ve got any left. It might also make you laugh till your face falls off.

Happy 4th,

Hog Whitman

P.S. Did I leave anybody out?

P.P.S. You can always contribute to The Hog Whitman Memorial Booze for Floozies Fund at PayPal, and help wipe-out (so to speak) this plague of Hollywood Dope-smoking Slut-Whores™ once and for all! Or just git yerself a purty nifty CD download for only $1 dollar, all at the same time. (i’ll make this all light-up in an other minute,  hour,  day or so… whatever  HW)

P.P.P.S  And if anybody feels like financing my new, cheesy B-movie; Dope-Smoking Hollywood Slut-Whores From Hell!™, feel free to leave a comment and I’ll get back to ya (without publishing your email addy).  I have the script almost written. Hell, it writes itself!

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The Swiss Army Tampon?

Hey, You can get everything else on one, so why not a tampon? Okay,  just kidding, but this article from The Art of Manliness has a lot of very practical uses for tampons in an emergency. I mean, besides the original one. When TSHTF happens (and it will someday), a simple tampon could save your life in a survival situation.

My personal favorite is blowdart fletching, but all of the others are good too

Be sure and read the whole article. It could save your life!

The Worst Headline I Have Ever Read In All Of History

Sorry about this:

Flesh-Eating Bacteria Consumed Man’s Penis

I told you it was bad. If you insist on reading all about it, here’s the article.

Strangely enough, on the left side of that page is this article, so maybe all is not lost, after all.

Argentina Passes Transgender Rights Law

See? It’s win-win! Yay!

Cleaning out the freezer #002… or putting the pork back in the pig

I really hate moving. The only reason I’ve been in this old dump for all this time is (hey wait… “This Old Dump”™? — sounds like a good name for a TV show!),  because I hate moving. But never mind that, I’m moving into the Brand New Dump!™

Let’s get on with it. I suppose I could just take the frozen stuff with me, but nah, let’s do something else with it instead.

If you were ever a child (unlike me), then you’ve probably had this dish already, or something like it. The question is: How did Mom make that? Well, your Uncle Hog is about to show you how. So sit down, shut-up and pay attention!

This is what we are starting with: As you can see, ‘somebody’ likes to shop at Fred Meyers/Krogers (Sorta Wifey­™ maybe?). Doesn’t matter. These are the cards you’ve been dealt. Deal with them.

I forgot to take a pic of the previously-frozen pork chops, but trust me on this one: There were pork chops, and they were frozen (and maybe some blade steak or something… I forget… and it doesn’t matter anyway).  I took them out of the freezer and thawed them first. This will require some previous planning on your part. No worries, Uncle Hog is here to help. This is how it’s done: TAKE THE FRIKKIN’ CHOPS OUT OF THE FRIKKIN’ FREEZER, PUT THEM ON THE COUNTER AND LET THEM THAW!

Sorry… Uncle Hog didn’t mean to scream. Perhaps Uncle Hog forgot to take his medication today. No worries (gulp!), everything is better now. Allow about 20-30 minutes for the medication to kick-in.

 Now where were we? Oh yeah, the pork chops. Sorry. Uncle Hog goes off on a tangent sometimes. No worries, Uncle Hog is taking his medication now (gulp!). Allow about 20-30 minutes for the medication to kick-in, and a couple of minutes on each side until the little chops get golden brown.  Does Uncle Hog have to explain (again), what Golden Brown means? Good. Just briefly fry the little co*ksuckers on both sides.

Pro Bachelor Tip #1: You’re going to want to put some oil into the hot pan first, and this is where the tip comes in: Put your spices in there too (Don’t Use Salt! The Evil Military-Industrial Complex,  Greedy-A$$  Corporations, and Republicans have already put more than enough salt into the soup that you will be using later). Swish it around a little bit. Not too much. We don’t want you to grow-up to be a little fag now, do we? Good. ~~~~~ 

Now pop the chops into the pan and almost IMMEDIATELY turn them back over. Then turn them back over again. This will ensure that the chops are coated in oil and spices, and also keep them from sticking to the pan. Wait a minute… this is out of sequence. Uncle Hog already said this already. Nevermind, just do what Uncle Hog says, not what he does. Or maybe it’s the other way around.  Got that? Good. Let’s move on…

Put the soup and stuff into the pan. As with any good dish, this will probably now look like it’s already been ate once. No worries, just take your medication like Uncle Hog does (gulp), turn the burner down to simmer and allow about 20-30 minutes for the medication to kick-in. Now turn the chops over.

Pro Bachelor Tip #2: Don’t worry about trying to stir this sh*t up. It will be impossible. Just take a fork and turn the chops over a couple of times. This, along with the heat and all the bubbling and stuff, will suffice. Let it simmer for about another 20-30 minutes.

And what are we going to do in the next 20-30 minutes? Well, first off, we’re going to take our medication (gulp!). Don’t wait for it to kick-in as you will be needing all of your faculties to complete the next step:

The Mashed Potatoes: I suppose you could use mashed potato flakes, but those are for sissys. We’re making a REAL meal here. This is what we start with…

I know these look kinda gnarly, but just break the eyes off and peel the ba*tards. Now cut them into cubes, or pieces, or whatever. Who gives a sh*t?  Anyway, try to make them all about the same size. Boil them for about 20 minutes until they don’t feel hard anymore when you stick them with a fork.

 Pro Bachelor Tip #3: Don’t try this with your di*k. It’s not the same. ~~~~~ Uncle Hog doesn’t know why he almost said that. It could be the medication? Nah, let’s move on…

Now drain the water from the potatoes and mash them up with a fork. Well, I suppose you could mash them up with a fork, but Uncle Hog has a better idea…

How Uncle Hog came into the possession of a potato ricer is a whole ‘nother story. Okay, real quick: it was a Christmas gift to Sorta Wifey™ a few years ago. Somehow, she forgot to take it with her when she ran-off with Raoul the Pool Boy™. I still don’t know why she left me. I should probably take my medication now (gulp!).

Fine. It’s my potato ricer now, Beotch! She also forgot to take the dryer lint with her, so that’s mine too. Hey, it’s a start.

Pro Bachelor Tip #4: After you’ve put some butter, and some salt and pepper on the newly  ‘riced’ potatoes, fork a blob of mayonnaise in there. Not too much, just a good blob. No sh*t. Your Uncle Hog wouldn’t sh*t you. Forget about sour cream — that’s for fags. Stir the whole mess up with a fork. This should take all of 20-30 seconds, or until the medication kicks-in, and there will be no lumps.

Now where we? Oh yeah, I think it’s time for Uncle Hog to take his medication again (gulp!). That’s better. Now where we? Oh yeah, I think it’s time for Uncle Hog to take his medication again (gulp!). That’s better.

As you can see from the photo at the top, I took the liberty of heating-up a can of green beans to go with this delicious dish. ‘French-Cut’ green beans, no less. I sure hope that doesn’t make me look like a fag. Don’t worry about it. If you ever find a ‘date’ again, serve it this. It will tell its mother and all its friends what a great cook you are! I should probably take my medication (again), (gulp!). I should probably take my medication (again), (gulp!).

Enjoy!

Enjoy!

4th of july once again…

Stay safe. Don’t blow anybody up.

And don’t forget the fallen founding fathers of the Freelance Fireworks Hall of Fame. This song still brings a tear to my one good eye. Guess I’m just sentimental…

not sure what this is good for, but it’s sure fun to watch

Off hand, I’d say this driver has a pretty decent grasp of your basic, madd, car control skiwlz…

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People have been complaining: “Why don’t they just call it the BMW M1 instead of the 1M Something Something?

This is where advanced age (like mine)  has the advantage, you whippersnappers! Get off my lawn!

There is already a BMW M1. They couldn’t name two totally different cars by the same name. I am going to go search now for the particulars and include links, just in case anybody gives a sh*t…

Okay, I’m Back! I looked at a few, and this is the best one I found. I saw them at the track when they first came out and they were gawdawful awesome.

Why yes, I think I will have another one…

I admit this is kinda cute, but it’s also really stupid. And sad. At his age, this kid should be trying to impress an actual girl instead of his drinking buddies.

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Oh, and I’m pretty sure Jesus was a better carpenter too.