(actual pic of my actual cat, Junior, but the flames are kinda fake ’cause there was no time to take pics}

I set my cat’s ass on fire just the other night. I didn’t mean to, but I was kicked-back on the couch, and the cat was right above me, sleeping on the back of it and I suddenly had a FLEA! on my upper arm. I HATE FLEAS!!! I haven’t seen one for months — ever since moving from the old dump into the new old dump™ — so I suspect there were maybe some eggs from the old dump hiding in the vacuum cleaner bag.

So I carefully reached for my bic lighter (the best way to kill them, BTW, if they are on you), but before I could reach it with the flame it had jumped off, presumably onto the cat, so I just followed it with the bic still going and touched it to the cat’s ass. Just for a split second. It doesn’t even hurt when you do that to yourself, and it kills the flea dead, right now.

It’s amazing how fast a cat’s ass will catch on fire. Immediately there was a patch the size of a quarter with flames about 1 – 1½ inches high. I probably yelled something like “HOLY SH*T”! ’cause the cat lifted up his head, looked back over his shoulder, and had this look that said, “Oh look, my ass is on fire… yawn…”, then plopped his head back down and went back to sleep. It’s good that he did because if he’d panicked and run off there could have been some real damage. As it was, I just squelched it with my hand and the whole episode could’t have lasted more than two seconds, tops. It’s a shame there was no time to take pictures, because it was truly a sight to see, but there just wasn’t time, dammit!

P.S. In case anybody’s wondering, the answer is: Yes, there may have been a teeency, weeency bit of alcohol involved, but it’s not like I was driving, or anything. I was just setting my cat’s ass on fire!
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P.P.S. And the cat is just fine. I can’t even find the spot where it happened 3 days ago. He went right back to sleep and all was well (whew!).
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