Actually, this one should be a ‘necessary’ recipe. This sh*t is to die for/from. If you want this to last for the entire Daytona 500, you might want to make more than this. I don’t know what your friends are like, but mine are a bunch of pigs. Hey, what else did you expect?

Here I’ve laid out the ingredients:

1). Bacon, thick sliced (about 1½ lbs.)

2). Water chestnuts, sliced (1 can)

3). Chicken livers (1 lb… deal with it)

4). Bottle of sauce (I’ve used Yoshida teriaki here, but Kikkoman soy sauce, or just about anything will work… use whatever you like or have on hand)

5). Toothpicks

6). Cocktail, cigarette and your new $1.00 whole album download of Hog Whitman, Not Sold in Stores to listen to while you’re putting this all together (optional, but highly recommended)

The only hard part about this recipe is the assembly. It takes a while, but it’s worth it. Take your time. After a few of them you should get the hang of it: Take a half slice of bacon, put a slice of water chestnut on there and a little piece of chicken liver on top of that. Now roll it up,  stick a toothpick in it and put it in the baking dish. That’s it. You can do this.

Here’s what the dish looks like when it’s full. As you can see, I’ve whupped-out the old turkey baster that I normally use to impregnate lesbian rock stars* with (don’t worry, I rinsed it out first). If you don’t have a turkey baster, I guess you could always use a spoon, but don’t try to impregnate any lesbian rock stars with a spoon because you gotta get ’em juuuuust right with it, or the kid could wind-up looking even worse than that pile of chopped livers up there. That is a job better left to the professionals. Just borrow a baster (and don’t forget to rinse it out before you return it).

Anyway, where was I? Uncle Hog sometimes goes off an a tangen… oh yeah, Uncle Hog remembers now…

You’ve already heated your oven to about 375 degrees. Pour the sauce all over the stuff in the dish. Don’t be stingy, just schlop it all over everything in there till it’s about halfway drowning the bacon/chestnut/liver thingys. You’re going to drain-off the sauce after cooking and save it for something else down the road anyway, aren’t you? I do.

Now pop it in the oven for about 20 minutes, take it out and baste that bad boy with the aforementioned turkey baster (or spoon). Put it back in the oven for about 20 more minutes. Take it out. You’re done.

TA DA!!!

*a word about the chicken livers: The chicken has to be one of the most disgusting animals that God ever invented, but it’s also one of the tastiest. Even the livers are good if you cook them just right. This recipe is one of the ways that you cook them just right. If it makes you feel any better, say a prayer first.

*Q: What do you call 100 lesbians with assault rifles?

A: Militia Etheridge!