Now What Do We Do?

This is no time to give up. In fact, if I ever feel so depressed that I just want to give up, I will take out the old pistol, chamber a round, slowly cock it, and then blow some other motherfuckers brains out, because that will surely cheer me up!



Uncle Hog’s Unnecessary Recipes #12: Fultano’s Restaurant in Scappoose, OR, USA

Fultano’s Restaurant in Scappoose, OR, USA:

I had heard good things about this place right after they opened. But I’m going to tell you, right now, about the one bad thing, which isn’t all that bad. It’s not their fault that they’re located on Havlic Dr. right off the light on the new road they put in across from Fred Meyer’s, just past the Senior Center and the McDonald’s, where they have that new movie theater complex with seven awesome digital screens, including this one 3-D one, and the car wash and oil change place, but it’s kinda confusing. You want to turn left into their parking lot right after turning at the light, but there’s no driveway there.

So you keep going around past where the road curves till you reach a small driveway that they share with Les Schwab’s. Did I mention that Les Schwab’s has a special on snow tires this week? That’s right, only $99.95 for two brand new snow tires. Yes, I know it’s August right now, but you can never plan too soon. I now fully expect Schwab’s to rotate my tires, inspect my fluids, and check my brakes, just for mentioning this sale. Actually, they would do that anyway, and they’ll do that for you too. For free. It would cost me over a hundred bucks to have a real medical doctor inspect my fluids, at this point.

I’m sorry, where was I? Oh yeah, Fultano’s Restaurant in Scappoose. So anyway, once you park in the lot, you only have to walk about 500 yards to get to the front door. I had to [forcefully] take my mom’s walker away from her just to make it. Don’t worry, she’ll be ok after just a few short weeks of therapy.

But, finally, we’re now inside. It’s nice and cool. Not like outside, where you could fry a buzzard’s ass on a manhole cover.

So, the bartender was really nice. And pretty. In fact: if I hadn’t had my fifth ex-wife with me at the time, I would have, probably, jumped her and humped her, right there on the spot.

Okay, I’m a dreamer. So sue me.

I’m sorry, where was I, again? Uncle Hog has this tendency to ‘drift’ sometimes. Oh yeah, Fultano’s Restaurant in Scappoose, OR, USA.

Fifth Ex-Wifey™ had the pizza, which was all-you-can-eat of several varieties for $9.95, I think, and it was awesome! I mean, it frikkn’ rawked, dood!!! She ate enough to feed a small village in Africa, with enough left over to End Hunger in America™, as we know it.

I had the Chicken Alfredo, for $10.95, and I can honestly say that that chicken gave its life for a good cause. I slopped that sucker down like it was The Last Supper, which it was, considering that I’m writing this review from Death Row, or I will be… if Fifth Ex-Wifey™ ever reads it. I would also like to call for a moment’s silence for some guy named “Alfredo”.

Fultano’s Restaurant in Scappoose, OR, USA. Go there. Eat excellent food. Have a beer [or whatever] at the full bar. Tell them I sent ya!

Hog Whitman

Coming soon: more recipes, and stuff

Sorry, but I’m kinda in-between computers right now. Will post something soon.

I hate these things.

Movie Review: Farewell

I’v been kinda busy lately, but I managed to watch a movie or two that didn’t put me to sleep, and I just had to write something about this one: Farewell

Pay no attention to the name. It kinda sounds like a weepy love story, but it has nothing to do with that, though there is some boy/girl stuff in there. No, Farewell is possibly the best spy movie evar!  And it’s a true story.

I can’t really go into the details much without giving away some spoilers, so I’ll just say it’s a real pot-boiler. There’s almost no action to speak of, but the suspense and pucker factor more than makes up for that. Suffice it to say that it’s a story about the early days of the downfall of the Soviet Union, and how it came about. It’s fascinating from start to finish.

I don’t watch a lot of sub-titled movies, and there’s no actors that I recognized except for a couple of brief appearances by Willem Dafoe. Quelle surprise! Pardon my French, if that’s what that was.

If  you have Netflix, you can watch it right now on streaming, or whatever they call it.

Go watch it. Watch it twice.

Happy 4th of July!

Due to the Communist/ Capitalist/ anarchist (with a small “a”) /money-grubbing Christian-vegan (with a small “v”), Dope-smoking Hollywood Slut-whores™ and 1% Rat Bastards at, I can no longer post videos here unless I pay them $70. Well, guess what? I don’t have $70! 

So here’s a link instead. I hope you will click on it. It should bring out the American in you, if you’ve got any left. It might also make you laugh till your face falls off.

Happy 4th,

Hog Whitman

P.S. Did I leave anybody out?

P.P.S. You can always contribute to The Hog Whitman Memorial Booze for Floozies Fund at PayPal, and help wipe-out (so to speak) this plague of Hollywood Dope-smoking Slut-Whores™ once and for all! Or just git yerself a purty nifty CD download for only $1 dollar, all at the same time. (i’ll make this all light-up in an other minute,  hour,  day or so… whatever  HW)

P.P.P.S  And if anybody feels like financing my new, cheesy B-movie; Dope-Smoking Hollywood Slut-Whores From Hell!™, feel free to leave a comment and I’ll get back to ya (without publishing your email addy).  I have the script almost written. Hell, it writes itself!

Walken Reportedly Signs-on to Pulp Fiction Re-Make

Christopher Walken Says “Yes!” to Pulp Fiction II

APF – June 19, 2012

From correspondent Editor in Chief,  Hog Whitman

In one of the most eagerly awaited sequels of all time, Christopher Walken has reportedly signed for the lead in Pulp II, according to inside sources who couldn’t be named because they were not authorized to speak to the press.

Sources close to the actor said that he is anxious to expand on his previous role as the guy who had a watch stuck up his ass in Viet Nam, citing Walken’s concerns that a crucial part of his famous scene was edited, and that therefore it didn’t show his true ‘range’ as a thesbian.

Other veterans of the iconic film, such as Bruce Willis, John Travolta, Samuel L. Jackson and Ving Rhames are reportedly in negotiations to reprise their own famous roles, with the noted exception of  Uma Thurman, who shot her wad on the ridiculous Kill Bill  films, and couldn’t get arrested in Hollywood unless it was for a  Barney the Dinosaur episode.

Shooting is scheduled to begin on July 1st at an undisclosed location on the NE corner of 12th & Van Nuys in downtown Pacoima, CA, 91331 starting at approximately 3:00AM, and then, maybe, a few hours later, somebody might even start filming a movie there, according to sources who couldn’t be named because they were, well, not authorized to speak to the press. (ed. note: Pacoima’s ‘claim to fame’ seems to be that they once went 46 days without a drive-by shooting)

Writer/Director Quentin Tarantino says he is, “ready to get going”, according to sources at the Betty Ford Clinic, but they weren’t authorized to speak to the press either.

*UPDATE* According to sources, who are not authorized to speak to the press, you can download the entire Hog Whitman CD Not Sold In Stores at CDBaby for only $1 dollar, or pay even more at iTunes, Rhapsody, Amazon, and a host of others who are not authorized to speak to the press.


The Swiss Army Tampon?

Hey, You can get everything else on one, so why not a tampon? Okay,  just kidding, but this article from The Art of Manliness has a lot of very practical uses for tampons in an emergency. I mean, besides the original one. When TSHTF happens (and it will someday), a simple tampon could save your life in a survival situation.

My personal favorite is blowdart fletching, but all of the others are good too

Be sure and read the whole article. It could save your life!